BEST MOVIES OF 2009
Watchmen
Director Zach Snyder brings the critically lauded graphic novel by Alan Moore to the big screen with a skillful hand and fantastic eye. The best adaptation in years, if there was a reward for being faithful to the material, Snyder would win.
The original idea was for Batman and Superman and the rest of the DC heroes to go into deconstruction mode, but writer Moore felt there was too much baggage and using original characters would allow more freedom and not be so distracting. The film is both inspiring and nihilistic as it pontificates on humanities constant craving for violence and mayhem. The most consistent question asked throughout is why save a species that is so intent on destroying itself. Dr Manhattan is the film's most compelling character as he constantly wrestles with this dilemma. A great performance by Jackie Earle Haley as Rorschach and Billy Crudup as Dr. Manhattan, a meta-physical being with god-like powers. The standout scene has Dr. Manhattan transporting to Mars while he contemplates humanities worth and considers destroying them.
Observe & Report Biting and very dark, this independent comedy takes several ballsy chances and will most likely leave it’s audience dividend as it shows us what if Travis Bickle worked as a mall security guard. The humor runs in the black, but runs in various speeds and is often dry, subtle and in-your-face. Love it or hate it, it’s fearless and gives Seth Rogan a chance to shine in this strange story of a Mall security guard who desperately wants to be a cop. Ray Liotta, Anna Faris and Aziz Ansari (Parks & Recreation) offer hilarious support. The standout scene has Seth’s character fighting thirty cops, while Queen’s “Flash Gordon” plays over the action. Damn right!
Star Trek Director JJ Abrams delivered on his promise of re-inventing Trek for a new generation without pissing on what came before. A clever time-paradox thingy allows young Spock to meet his older self, (played by the legendary Leonard Nimoy!) in this action packed thrill ride that showcases the iconic characters with dignity and compassion. Setting up Kirk and Spock as the future galactic legends, the film explores how they met and why there were destined to be friends. A clever plot Mcguffin brings the best of both worlds together establishing this film as both a beginning and an end. Wonderfully inventive from start to finish, Trek hasn’t been this much fun in years. The actors performances all are dead solid perfect; Chris Pine as Kirk captures his larger-than-life persona completely. Zach Quinto is stoic and a bit arrogant as young Spock and the best performance in the film is Kal Urban as Dr. McCoy, whose grumpy mannerisms are almost spooky as he seems to have channeled the spirit of the late De Kelly. A fantastic reboot of goodness to come. Perfect! Up It’s becoming a broken record, but those crazy kids at Pixar have done it again as they continue their brilliance with this animated adventure based on the children’s book of the same name. Ed Asner provides the voice of Carl and Christopher Plummer as the villainous Dr. Muntz with excellent supporting work from Warren the boy scout, Kevin the flightless bird and Dug the canine with a collar that allows him to speak, “SQUIRREL!” Charming and touching, “Up” is a distillation of all the previous releases combined. One smile moment to the next, this is pure magic. The Hangover Funny from beginning to end, this surprise hit of the summer boasts a strong cast, a cast so good Bradley Cooper doesn’t crap things up. A homage to those wonderful raunchy comedies of the 1980’s, this flick plays very much like “Bachelor Party” with a dose of realism. Zach Galifianakis steals every scene he’s in as does Mike Tyson in a small cameo. The Standout scene- naked Chinese guy emerging from the trunk of a car. Bruno WOW! How any of this ever made it to theaters is amazing. Sasha Boren is one ballsy cat. This film definitely won’t be for everyone, but as long as you know what its intent is, you might enjoy it. It’s mission is to offend, to push buttons, to show how far people will go, (that not only includes Boren, but the loser parents in the kiddy beauty contest) but to blast any and all hypocrisies society clings to. Not for the faint of heart, but for those with a good sense of humor. The Standout scene- All will be burned forever into your consciousness. Funny People Adam Sandler continues to at least attempt to stretch as actor, but he seems, like Robin Williams to run on two speeds; morose irritating, high-strung/irritating. Written and Directed by Judd Apatow, here he seems to find the right note; slightly cranky, but very funny. Sandler has great chemistry with Seth Rogan as their dramatic moments are just as interesting as their humorous gags. The ad campaign was misleading, this is not a riotous comedy from beginning to end, but a well-acted drama with lots of humor. In typical Apatow fashion, there are plenty of belly laughs, (mostly dirty, thankfully) sprinkled throughout from a great supporting cast led by Jonathan Schwartzman and Jonah Hill. The Blind Side Sandra Bullock, sporting very attractive blonde locks, leads a fine ensemble cast in this uplifting story of perseverance based on true events. It must be stressed how much I loathe anything and everything associated with professional sports, but this film is so good you forget all that and are pulled in by the film’s humanity and incessant decency. Nothing terribly new here story wise, but we get a great performance by Bullock as her star wattage shines through and some excellent support by Kathy Bates and of all people, Tim McGraw as her husband. Avatar After twelve years away from the spotlight, Director James Cameron revealed his big-budget sci-fi adventure. Lifting the plot from “Dances with Wolves,” the film explores a system out of control; the humans and their penchant to control others. The so-called political message is non-existent; this is pro-human, not right versus left, but right versus wrong. It shows humanities continued immaturity to exercise it’s moral compunction. The story won’t resolve itself with many surprises, but Cameron’s tools and techniques are typical Cameron and the film succeeds because of it, especially the 3D effect, which only adds to the experience instead of just being a marketing gimmick. A incredible achievement no matter the outcome which has made the film the top-grosser of all time. The Lovely Bones Brutal and haunting, this excellent fantasy based on the book of the same name showcases an absolute outstanding performance by 14 y/o Saoirse Ronan as Susie Salmon, a murdered teen girl whose ghost leads her family to the trail of her killer. Director Peter Jackson does manage to make Susie’s “interpretation” of Heaven look and feel like a young girl’s dream world with lots of bright colors; flowers and dogs of all shapes and sizes running wild without making it feel hokey. Despite its gruesome premise, the film is surprising optimistic and a beautiful love story. Stanley Tucci gives a memorable performance as the creepy neighborhood freak. Knowing Ball's out crazy science-fiction, Nic Cage is almost good as a father trying to help his son figure a strange puzzle that could lead to Armageddon. When Cage is good, he's damn entertaining, but when he tries to play normal, he just can’t do it. Thankfully, this film belongs to its Director, Alex Proyas, who weaves a cool tale of aliens and the imminent destruction of Earth. Damn entertaining no matter how you slice it. World's Greatest Dad Written and Directed by Bobcat Golthwaite, (YES! THAT Bobcat) this clever and very perceptive black comedy skewers society’s fraudulent emotions when someone dies, (in this case a rotten individual who was disliked by everyone including his Dad and best friend) and how the phony ret-conning of their lives begins, (Michael Jackson anyone?) Robin Williams gives his best performance in years and proves he can be an interesting actor when he’s not chasing a paycheck in junk like “RV” , “License to Wed,” and especially “Old Dogs.” Inglorious Basterds Although not nearly as good as I had hoped and nothing about the story resembles what Tarantino talked about for years. One thing remains constant however, his love of making movies is untouchable. The film jumps off the screen with a flawless production design and amusing performances from his cast led by Brad Pitt. The film's low points are its incessant talking and endless dialogue scenes that bring everything to a screeching halt and don’t seem to add up to anything, almost made me want to call it quits, but the movie theater climax more than makes up for it. Not his best work, but it's a masterpiece compared to most of his contemporaries. Not my favorite film of his, but I'll take it. Zombieland Both Woody Harrleson and Jesse Eisenberg have the distinction of each being in one of the best, and worst films of the year; Harrelson with “2012,“ and Eisenberg “Adventureland.” A nice twist on very familiar tale, may not have been all that memorable if not for the inspired casting of guest star Bill Murray playing himself. Woody Harrelson and Jesse Eisenberg create some nice comic chemistry while fighting off hoards of zombies and Director Ruben Fleischer never takes things too seriously as he seems to know we’ve seen this many times before; we know and he knows he’s not George Romero and does the smart thing by just having fun with it. BEST TELEVISION PREMIERE Glee FOX (2009- While memories of “Cop Rock” are stirred at the mere mention of television musical, “Glee” need not have to worry about such a stigma since it’s irreverent, upbeat, non-cynical take on the cliché-ridden trope of high school life, as seen through the eyes of cheerleaders, jocks, quirky and underpaid teachers offers a bright alternative to the worries of the world. Television didn’t need yet another drama about whiny, spoiled teens, but here we see those well-known (and well worn) conventions given a sarcastic spit to the face and the earnestness shines through as well as the shows sense of humor. Dramatic stories are created with the pay-off instead being a big, splashy musical number. It sounds enormously gay for sure, but its really very entertaining even with the singing and dancing we still get plenty of winking and irony thrown on the whole ‘high school sucks’ drama template. An unlikely hit, the series has managed to create its own universe with a cast of likeable and very capable actors. Jane Lynch is the standout however as the scheming and smarmy Coach Sue Sylvester who is jealous of and constantly trying to thwart Glee teacher, Will Shuster (Matthew Morrison). She often carries the series with her riotous politically incorrect musings and observations. The show may very well burn up when it comes back for a second season, but for the moment, it’s one of the most entertaining shows on the air right now. BEST TELEVISION FINALE
Battlestar Galactica
Sci-Fi (2005-09) Hands down, the single finest science-fiction adventure drama since the original “Star Trek,” a series that had everything going against it and nothing for it yet managed to win its most strident critics over with it’s impeccable writing, (most of the time) and the single best group of ensemble actors in years. Not with a whimper, but a bang. In the history of final episodes, this will definitely top the list by not skimping on resolution and cheating the characters of their deserved fate. Not only was it the perfect vehicle for social commentary, but it’s characters and how they were portrayed is what stands out. None of them were easily defined or predictable. they weren’t always likeable and at times made mistakes, sometimes irrevocable (take Baltar-please) they behaved irrational, stubborn, romantic and hopeful. They fell in love, acted weird and most of all avoided the dreaded television disease that so often afflicts its denizens- “episodic amnesia.” This show refused to be tidy and made the characters feel their pain from week to week and made them suffer if they so deserved it. The finale made a valiant effort to wrap things up in a satisfactory manner. The fleet did find Earth and the war with the Cylons came to an end. It’s critical acclaim has been justly deserved as it has always been able to anchor fantasy with vivid and recognizable human psychology. That's what lifts all great works out of the confines of genre -- be it horror, sci fi, fantasy or mystery -- into the plane of literature, and that's what has made "Battlestar" not just a cult hit but a significant piece of television that will be talked about for years to come. BEST REMAKE Last House on the Left Not sure why it ever became acceptable of remaking classic films when there are so many bad films out there that need a do-over. Thank Kirk, this was not the case. the original, LHOTL was a sleazy, cheaply made drive-in exploitation fodder of the worst kind. An inconsistent tone; stacked with incongruous humor made this an oddity to say the least. Although I usually dig these types of film, there was a sleaze factor that I never could get past and quite frankly some outright rotten choices in filmmaking style that turn me off. The film is ruined by campy performances, dumb humor and over-the-top violence that has a mean-streak a mile wide running through it. The remake is the polar opposite. A distasteful premise is made palatable ; strong performances from the cast and razor sharp direction elevate it to almost Hitchcockian heights with unbearable tension and solid pacing. Tony Goldwyn and Monica Potter star as the couple with the victimized daughter who exact revenge of biblical proportions., the film can easily be mentioned in the same sentence as other revenge classics as “Death Wish,” “Rolling Thunder,” “The Limey” and “Kill Bill.” BIGGEST TELEVISION SCREW-UP Conan O’Brien vs. Jay Leno
It’s déjà vu all over again as the second late night war took its greatest casualty, Conan O’Brien. This ugly mess began in 2004 when Leno accepted the terms that he would leave in 2009 making room for O’Brien. Come 2009, Leno didn’t want to leave, so the network gave him a prime-time show in that fall. It flopped, badly, taking the local news affiliates numbers down by nearly 50% and O’Brien’s numbers down with him; execs panicked and began reshuffling the schedule. Instead of cutting Leno loose and giving the proper support to O’Brien, the network made a loser out of both men by essentially pitting them against each other to have a melee of egos in front of the press and the world to see. The network wasn’t going to be done proving to the world just how utterly moronic it was until every stupid option under the sun was considered, like offering Leno an 11:30 time slot and considered moving “The Tonight Show” to 1205. O’Brien said no to the move, the network then offered Leno his old job back while O’Brien made plans to move on sparking a very nasty public war between two hosts who weren’t even involved, Dave Letterman and Jimmy Kimmel took O’Brien’s side and lobbed tons of insults at Leno while O’Brien sat on the sidelines and began to acquire a huge fan base of support while Leno deservedly got a barrage of negative coverage. Fast forward through it all, Leno got his old gig back and O’Brien bid adios on January 22, 2010, with a funny, but very emotional goodbye after a mere seven months. He kept it classy, and even thanked NBC for all of years at the network. The only thing NBC did right was to piss off all of the O’Brien fans. The public took sides and were overwhelmingly on O'Brien's side. Leno's good-guy image was shown to be the fake it always was.
It will be interesting to see what the fallout will be when Leno returns March 1 as the Tonight Show host. He will try to act as though he were a victim too, but with his seemingly back-stabbing accession to the position, one wonders if his audience will bother to return knowing his sleazy ways to get it. Lets hope not as I think his era of toothless, mediocre, mileque-toast humor needs to end. WORST REMAKES My Bloody Valentine The worst thing a remake can do is not improve on the original. In this case, it makes the original actually appear better, when it fact both suck, this one just sucks worse. Although it gets points for skin with its share of boobies, the film is dead weight. Everything about it is instantly forgettable rendering it pointless. Taking of Pelham 123 John Travolta continues to boggle my mind as he continues to get high paying gigs for unmitigated trash. This is no different, although slightly more sophisticated than his usual gigs, a futile experiment nonetheless. Denzel Washington proves he either lost a bet or is all about the Benjamin’s as he continues to sully his good name with big-budgeted trash as this. Neither actor can live up to the original’s star power of Walter Matthau and Robert Shaw. Avoid this and rent the original. WORST- PERIOD! 2012 There’s nothing quite as satisfying as watching Hollywood actors bite the big one in big budget disaster movies- especially if they are of the liberal variety. Although not nearly as awful as some on this list, “2012” is still terrible nonetheless. Without the emotion and scene-chewing of ‘The Poseidon Adventure,” or the clever action of “The Towering Inferno,” these modern movie-makers just don’t seem to know how to kill off famous people with such inspired glee as exhibited in the 70’s.
Reminiscent of the vastly superior, "The Core," with the Earth being in jeopardy and humanity scrambles to survivie, "2012" takes a fascinating premise and ruines it with too much phony emotion and a lame-brained screenplay.
Director Roland Emmerich injects his trademark smaltz along with gigantic coenidences, close-calls, near-misses, just-in-the-nick-of-time, at-the-last-minute rescues that make you want to gauge out your eyes. I stand by my love for Emmerich's "Independence Day," as it was loaded with tons of charm, a rousing score and just dumb fun, still is.
This flick is just dumb, humorless and occassionally insulting.
Some impressive effects and action are delivered though, but the constant drum beating of "we can all work together to save humanity" wears itself out by the one hour mark as does the teary monologes and the constant pleading for collectivism.
It all could be enjoyed it not for the film's subversive Liberal agenda. We are suppose to accept that during humanities darkest hour, the Chinese will save the day by building huge arks to survive the oncoming tidal waves- YEAH RIGHT! The United States is taken completely out due to cataclysmic destruction so guess who is left to take care of everyone? Nigga, please!
Most of the nations are destroyed except for the entire continent of Africa- the remnants of humanity land on Cape of Good Hope to start all over again. I don't want to sound like a dick here, but seriously...WTF?
Throughout all of this we get one pleading monologue after another trying to show that humanity is truly worth it and as long as we stick together......Blah.....Danny Glover has the best monologue, I almost didn't laugh all the way through it, only at the end.
The movie is packed with plenty of famous faces and apparently they enjoy being whores; Oliver Platt, Danny Glover, John Cusak, Amanda Peet, Woody Harrelson and George Segal have tarnished their good names once and for all. Adventureland If Woody Allen were a weak douche, he'd be played by Jesse Eisenberg. Kristen Stewart is once again a boring, humorless harpy. It's suppose to be set in the 1980's, but nothing reflects that in the production design or the character’s dress or speech and only 60's music is heard; the film's biggest sin is the wasting of Ryan Reynolds in a nothing, unfunny part. Terrible from start to finish. The Final Destination The previous installments used smart and imaginative ways to kill lots of people. The fourth installment, just kills lots of people… and while watching it, I wished I was one of them- at a breezy 80 minutes, the film feels 4 hours long; the story clunks along with an incoherent middle act that seems like its missing key scenes especially when one of the best friends dies and there are no reactions from his friends or no further mentioning of him. The opening carnage at a NASCAR race is a nice touch and even though the cast tries in vain to elevate the material, its all to no avail. Cheap and flimsy, the film manages to squander its good name on bland and seriously contrived deaths making this instantly forgettable and a sorry end to a once clever horror franchise. G.I. Joe Is it possible to be more plastic than the toy line it was inspired by? The filmmakers apparently didn't read the comic books as the fun and sci-fi spectacle prevalent throughout is barely seen here. The film takes over an hour to get started and once it does, it's an obnoxious mess filled with trite dialogue and lame exchanges between the characters. Marlin Wayans and Channing Tatum never establish believable rapport and to believe that either one is anything associated with the military is laughable. Brendan Frazer is wasted in his two-bit cameo and Dennis Quad proves he really is the poor man's Harrison Ford and needs to either get a better agent or just retire. Transformers: ROTF Michael Bay direct a boring action film? Hard to believe, but yes he did. With the exception of "Armageddon," Bay used to at least, create some high-powered, kinetic visuals, “The Rock,” “The Island,” "Bad Boys,” Bad Boys II" and especially “Transformers,” if nothing else are known for their insane chases and well-paced action. Verisimilitude is lost as an absurd concept is allowed to run wild. The first film reined in the absurdities and made you believe robots were here to help us. Spielberg’s touch is sorely missed as Optimus Prime and Bubblebee, the first film’s brightest spots, are reduced to practically cameos. A step down for all involved, let’s hope part 3 remembers what made the first film so much fun. X-Men Origins The Superman III of the X-men is fraught with one dumb idea after another. The miscasting and wasting of Ryan Reynolds, Dead Pool, only adds to the confusion. There is nothing else to say other than this film seems to exist to just introduce characters and either never mention them again or kill them off and seriously, what’s the freaking point? Old Dogs Of all the bad movies released throughout the year I would bet real money that most are comedies. Watching a bad movie can sometimes be fun, but there is nothing worst than watching a comedy with no laughs. This is a real dead zone. I think they tried to write some jokes, but they are so bad they elicited nothing from me- nothing. Not a giggle, a tee-hee, a gufaw or even a Ha! I was tempted many times to just end it, but my morbid curiosity forced me to hang in there to see how this abortion ended, which was not soon enough! A hard genre to tackle for sure, but even for someone who’s established as being one of the funniest people alive, it still is hard bitch to tame. Robin Williams has the distinction of being on the best and worst list this year which proves the guy must choose his projects with either blindfold or throwing darts. This is definitely William's worst film to date and that's saying tons considering he’s been in plenty of turds over the years; "Flubber," "Dead Poet's Society" (yes, simply because its overrated trash) "Toys," "Club Paradise," “RV”, “License to Wed,” & “Insomnia,” Other than dumb kids and sheltered adults, I'm not sure who exactly would willingly sit through this heap. I'm not hard to please, but this takes the freaking cake with pandering and aiming low and shooting lower. Apparently inspired by every rotten sit-com of the last 40 years, OD never gains any momentum and just piles on the bad puns, fart jokes and kicks to the crotch. It's like baby-sitting 5 y/os on Angel Dust. The box-office draw is Williams and Travolta, but considering each has not done a decent comedy in decades; I wonder how either actor continues to get good paying gigs when their flops out number the hits by probably a 2-1 margin. One man's meat is another man's poison I suppose, rancid meat is preferable over this however.
Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 The worst film of the year and definitely one of the worst of the decade is nothing, but ugly, stupid and limp trash.
Zombie needs his camera taken away and kicked out of the Directors guild along with a wood shampoo. In the history of bad ideas, this ranks near the top. A nonsense script laced with an uncomfortable misogynistic tone that runs through the film like a mad-streaker. His attempts at being an “artist” are laughable loading the film with faux-pretentiousness imagery of a rider on a white horse. His negative obsession with rednecks is clichéd and tiresome and only shows how truly awful he is. One stupid scene has a character bleeding to death screaming, "Fuck" at least ten times for some strange reason. All of the characters, including the “educated” ones drop F bombs every other word making them appear to be as dumb as the so-called rednecks he loves to lampoon. Who are we suppose to root for in a movie where every character is a worthless piece of trash? I’m a no prude by any means, but this offensive dung heap made me appreciate the original sequel as "Citizen Kane" in comparison. Some real talent has sullied their careers, Malcolm McDowell and Margot Kidder must have been held at gunpoint or their agents hate them, why else appear in such low-brow, inauthentic, low frequency, can’t-get-it-off-your-shoe-or-out-of-your-mind dog shit.