Was it Kierkegaard, Winston Churchill or Dick Van Patten that said, “Films are for people that hate movies.” Whoever said it, no truer words have ever been spoken. Most people don’t know the difference between movies and films and fall for the BS that it’s good because it won a ton of Oscars. Only if you are a snooty, uptight critic does that logic make any sense. Another great poet once said, if you want a lousy collection of books/music/movies, listen to the critics. I say, DON’T listen to the critics! They hate movies and most of the time they have an agenda to push or forsake their personal ethics to prop up a friend or favorite artist. On those rare occasions, the drive by critics will champion something that is worthy of my time, “Grindhouse” for example was greeted with positively glowing reviews, Roger Ebert has always been a favorite of mine as he can find joy in the schlockiest of trash while also appreciating the typical art house flick; he enjoys that happy medium, but for the most part critics have a bias, they turn their nose up at anything that doesn’t fit in with their stuffy elitism, preferring instead to flaunt their intellectual superiority complex (although most are moronic a-holes) while trying to shove their tastes down your throat like a date-raping Fratboy. This leads us to the snooze fest that was passed off last month as the 80th Annual Academy Awards where every year, the critics and the mentally ill collaborate to subvert good taste. I am convinced I am not from the same artistic plane of existence as the stuffy critics and the Academy voting freaks since in all my years watching said ceremonies they almost always choose the wrong movie; safe, geriatric, emotionally fraudulent, politically correct crap. I’m not railing exclusively against art house flicks, just the flicks that are entertainment Kryptonite and in recent years the winners seem to have been art house dick-slap. Submitted for your approval, here is solid evidence why these knee-jerk critics and art house goons need to see the insides of the booby hatch. Going back over sixty years, the Academy voter’s insanity first showed it’s ugly head in 1941 with the slight of “Citizen Kane” as Best Picture winner. Some stellar competition that year sure, "The Maltese Falcon,” but c'mon, how does "How Green Was My Valley" win over the GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE!? The 1950's saw "Around the World in 80 Days" and "The Greatest Show on Earth" take top honors in 1952 and 1954, the competition was not much better, but both films have not withstood the test of time and to claim either one a classic is preposterous. Two of the worst snubs ever belong in the 1960's as Stanley Kubrick had to suffer the indignity of watching "Dr. Strangelove" lose to that shit-fest, tacky musical, "My Fair Lady," as Best Picture of 1964. Another non-classic that is packed with more bad music than a Christian rock concert. As if it couldn't get any more insane, it does in 1968 when one of the worst musicals ever made, “Oliver,” based on Charles Dickens “Oliver Twist”, also happens to be one of the worst movies ever made- won the prize. Either the voters had relatives in the film or they hated Kubrick, it would appear they just blindly voted for it on mere suggestion without having actually seen it since it is a boring, stilted clumsy heap from the giddyup that remains a testament to overrated filmmaking. How it beat the classic “2001: A Space Odyssey”, which wasn't even nominated if you can believe that horseshit, is a mystery best left up to the Scooby gang. The consequences were shameful to say the least. No wonder Kubrick moved he moved to England; making two of the best movies ever and having them shit on by two of the worst musicals ever is just cause to be an ex- patriot. 1969’s “Midnight Cowboy” is laughably dated; a meandering trite character piece that wears its lax hippie, bullshit attitudes on its sleeve. Propelled by a paper-thin plot, it’s led by two scumbag characters you have a hard time routing for (terrific acting by Jon Voit and Dustin Hoffman is dully noted) but the film now works more as a condemnation on the shiftlessness of that era; naive philosophy more than any so called freedom, free love or whatever those smelly losers were trying to say. The film’s fame comes not from its quality, since that was never there, but from it being the first Best Picture winner to be rated a non-porno “X.” Which makes it an odd choice even in those days, coming from a usually, older, less-than-hip, conservative crowd. For whatever the reason the competition that year, the vastly superior and fun from start to finish, "Butch Cassidy and the Sundace Kid" failed to win. Dicks! And just when you think they’ve got their heads on straight as they did from 1970-75, when the Best Picture winners were ALL correct, they botch it again. It came slowly at first, not entirely offensive, but incorrect nonetheless, “Rocky” beating out “Network” and "Taxi Driver" for best picture of 1976, huh? 1977 would be the one of the worst years for insane Academy voters voting amuck with “Star Wars” being passed over for “Annie fucking Hall.” And so it continued with” Kramer vs. Kramer” trouncing "Apocalypse Now" in 1979- Give me a Nell Carter-sized break! Damn them again for not even nominating "Alien!" It continued into the first year of the 1980’s; the opening salvo was a slap to George Lucas- again as we are forced to believe that “OrdinaryPeople” is somehow better than "Raging Bull" yet the “Star Wars” sequel, “The Empire Strikes Back,” one of the most celebrated fantasy films ever made, didn't even get nominated nor did Stanley Kunbrick's "The Shining"- rot in hell. In 1981 “Chariots of Fire” is somehow superior to “Raiders of the Lost Ark,”- in what flipping alternate universe!? I think we know which one has been consistently placed on the greatest films of all time lists and NO it’s not the one with the fruits running on the beach in their underwear. Popular appeal is never an accurate gauge of quality but when they are wrong, they are dead wrong. Seriously, how does “E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial” not win best picture? I bet real money the real winner that year doesn’t get near the repeat watching and rediscovery by the younger film goers as Mr. Spielberg’s masterpiece does. It blows away “Lord of the Rings” as do most things, but hey, I'm not bitter! The madness marched into the 1990’s with "Pulp Fiction" getting slighted in 1994 and "The English Patient" winning in 1996. I agree with Elaine from "Seinfeld" when her boss forces her to watch, she screams out in boredom and frustration- "DIE ALREADY!" The evil ones were not done as their final insane pick of the century when they said “Shakespeare in Love” is a better picture than “Saving Private Ryan?”- Nigga, pleeeeeease! The double zeroes continued the tradition of insanity by giving 2004's top honors to the fucking Hobbits when "Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World" is clearly the better picture. At least it would have been my pick. No one beats Russell Crowe--NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Such is life as a reluctant Oscar watcher.
If I cared about any of the films nominated in 2007, this would be rant on why they were screwed, but since I only liked one of the best picture Nominees, “Juno” and hated the winner, “No Country for Old Men," (Shame on the brothers Coen for ruining an ingeniously devious little thriller and embracing an exaggerated, non-sense ending carried over from the novel!) Screw em! One of the many reasons I loathe art house, over-hyped, Oscar bait blather! My list mirrors Tony’s to an extent because we feel the same about the uppity “art house” flicks that hardly ever deliver yet get praise for their cumbersome, pompous jags like showing an overweight woman taking a dump on the toilet while holding a burning cigarette for fifteen minutes or overwrought promotional ads using phrases like “Shattering power!” and “The emotional experience of a lifetime!” Not my idea of a good time at the movies. Do not misunderstand my ramblings, dear readers as I can and occasionally do appreciate a good art house flick, but those experiences are few and far between; their fault not mine. The movies that touch, inspire and leave me dead in the ditch from sheer joyful exhaustion are usually the ones called Movies!!!!!!!!!!!!
Grindhouse Directors’ Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez second collaboration was to shower love on the Grindhouse experience. Using the gimmick of the Drive-in double-Feature, both films are packed to the gills with guns, girls, guts and cars. With tongue firmly planted in cheek, “Planet Terror” is jammed with a gi-normous sense of irony and is a blast from start to finish with nods to movie legends John Carpenter, Sergio Leone and George Romero. An impressive cast lead by Rose McGowan, Freddie Rodriguez, Jeff Fahey, Michael Bein, Josh Brolin, Quentin Tarantino and Bruce Willis, all chew their scenes with great relish. In between the films, we get fake trailers, contributed by the likes of Danny Trejo, Eli Roth, Edgar Wright, Rob Zombie and Nicholas Cage. Even though Tarantino's film, “Deathproof” is by far his weakest effort to date, he does perform brilliance by casting the movie worshippers Lord and Savior- Kurt Russell as, "Stuntman Mike, a smarmy, psychotic man-child. Damn the all to hell though for crashing that beautiful Dodge Challenger! I am Legend The third adaptation (previous two were 1963’s “Last Man on Earth” & 1974’s “The Omega Man”) of Richard Matheson’s classic 1954 novella is really the charm as we get a closer feel for the story’s loneliness and desperation. It’s basically a one man show for most of the films running time and Smith does an excellent job. A metamorphosis has occurred in my views of Will Smith who has slowly established himself as a utilitarian actor that can traverse between romantic comedy, drama to science-fiction adventure with remarkable skill and effortless ease. This sci-fi action drama showcases the actors range as he shows emotions not expected from his usual action persona. Some exciting sci-fi visuals and interesting themes are explored to great effect. Bug Here’s a rarity, an Ashley Judd film that doesn't suck. This is simple, yet enormously effective psychological drama sneaks up on you like a thief in the night. Sparse and focused, most of the action takes place in a seedy motel room with an impressive performance from Judd (should have been nominated) as a boozy hick kicked around by life backed up with great supporting work from crooner, Harry Connick Jr. 70's wunderkind, Director William Friedkin (“The Exorcist”) has a comeback of sorts as he shows us his talent has not been lost to his drug miasma of the 197O's. A carryover from the best decade of movies-ever is the downer of an ending so prevalent from that era. 3:10 to Yuma Director James Mangold delivers the best western since “Open Range” this remake of the same name showcases everything great about the genre that gives showy roles for its two stars Christian Bale and Russell Crowe. The film’s look is beautifully photographed, well paced and full of briskly, yet ambiguous character conflicts full of expectations that are never fully embraced. For those that must continually pronounce this genre dead, shut your f*#(&!@^ mouth! Live Free or Die Hard The return of John McClain is a welcomed one as Bruce Willis slides back into his signature role with plenty of charisma and cranks up the cantankerous attitude with a surprising amount of humor and charm for a fourth outing. Some well executed action scenes are sprinkled throughout, the standout being the battle between a semi truck and F-35 jet plane. Elizabeth: The Golden Age This unlikely sequel has the always hot Cate Blanchett returning to her star making role and chews most of the scenes she’s in. Although it takes slight liberties with known history, a compelling story emerges. Clive Owen gives a nice turn as Sir Walter Raleigh. A period piece that is constantly engrossing, even though the set design nearly overwhelms its characters, the actors talent shines through. Stardust Based on a popular novel of the same name, this fantasy love story is enormously effective and a visual delight that gives its stars plenty of room to have fun. Michelle Pfeiffer relishes her role as an evil witch intent on recovering beauty and eternal youth. Claire Danes as Yvaine (originally offered to Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Charlie Cox as Tristan have great chemistry. Robert Deniro has an amusing bit part as a gay pirate that is not nearly as dumb as it sounds. The Brave One Jodi Foster delivers yet another excellent performance in this modern take on “Death Wish.” Director Neil Jordan address some controversial issues; Foster’s actions will anger the pussy, crackbaby liberals in the audience, but acting wise, she’s in top form, wringing every bit of sympathy she can muster and proves she’s one of the finest actors working today. Terrance Howard offers great support as the investigative police officer. Superbad Equal parts raunchy and charming that never goes overboard with either. It understands the teenage mind better than any film in recent years, even though the characters are bit on the milquetoast side, they have genuine dimension. The main characters were amusing enough, but the show stealers belong to the supporting players; the two bubbling police officers, played by Seth Rogan and Bill Hadder. They were so good; I wanted the movie to be about them. The retro soundtrack is sex to the ears. Vacancy I love me a good thriller! For all the crap produced, every few years an unassuming gem comes along and exceeds expectations, despite a horrible ad campaign. Much like “Identity” and “Breakdown”, the trailers were terrible; like those films, this is a great movie misrepresented. A lean, mean razor sharp suspenseful foray into familiar territory that is pulled ahead of the line thanks to plenty of style and an effective cast lead by, Frank Whaley, Kate Beckinsdale and Luke Wilson. A tight script and skillful direction keep the clichés at bay and the opening credits and music are a superbly clever homage to Alfred Hitchcock’s “Vertigo.” Not bad considering the Director’s first name is NIMROD! Ratatouille PIXAR continues their magical, unrivaled streak of quality productions, is a marvelously visualized and charming story of following your dreams. Another iconic character and some wonderful humor makes you smile at the prospect of another film from this studio. A testimony to all the talent is how beautifully rendered Paris is, they make it almost, *gulp, inviting! Juno Although it’s saddled with your typical independent movie, smart-ass awareness, it transcends everything thanks to Canadian star Ellen Page who gives a performance of plucky determination who refuses to be held back by her wobbly situation. Director Adam Reitman (son of Ivan, Director of “Ghostbuster", “Stripes”) shows some talent by not giving the film too much style and lets the characters take us on a ride. All of the characters act like real people, no extremes from the adults and Page especially as Juno is smart, funny, and never without a smart-ass remark, but in the films have best moments actor and screenplay merged to remind us that despite her cynical armor, she’s a wounded kid and very scared of her predicament. Allison Janney and J.K. Simmons are excellent as her put upon parents. A rarity for a modern Hollywood film, it’s sweet, funny, full of heart and best of all- without pretense. It has one political message, but it’s addressed intelligently and then allows the characters to move on. One of the cleanest comedies around that doesn’t have Disney in the title and that doesn’t insult your intelligence. Sunshine A criminally underrated sci-fier has a vibe right out of the 70’s (“Alien” comes to mind!) with its emphasis on complex sci-fi ideas and striking visuals that has some religious iconography dotted throughout supporting the excellent effects. Director Danny Boyle almost loses steam in the final act, but still delivers a movie so good; Chris Evans doesn’t make me want to kick a kitten through an electric fan. Hot Fuzz The same team from “Shaun of the Dead” works their magic once again to do a hilarious send up of the buddy cop films of the 80’s and 90’s. Everything from “Lethal Weapon” to “Bad Boys II” is skewered with great affection creating a great story on its own terms. Former James Bond, Timothy Dalton is excellent as the baddie who gets a sick and twisted comeuppance.
Knocked Up The typical romantic comedy, in reverse is also a rarity; a love story that doesn’t cater to only the female sensibilities, but both sexes. Usually a film of this ilk ends with the coitus, here it’s the mcguffin and makes for one of the funniest and finest comedies ever made. Director Judd Apatow continues his streak of funny and populates the film with great supporting characters; the gags do get bawdy, but the heart of the story is never poisoned with cheap jokes and phony sentiment. Katherine Heigel and Seth Rogan make for an unlikely couple, but have chemistry and you gradually believe they belong together. Like “Juno”, the film has a surprisingly sweet happy ending. Transformers Now this is what I love, a movie that totally surprises me. This had no reason to be good and I had no vested interest in this coming to the big screen and with Michael Bay as Director; those odds would never be taken to Vegas. I did keep my eye on it though once Steven Spielberg was announced as producer and ILM as the special effects house. Damn me for having even the slightest bit of doubt as this is a Spielberg picture all the way, (an appetizer for “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, perhaps?) Sure Bay shows his limited talent on the action, but he knows what works. However, the films best moments; Whitwicky’s family interactions, the robots running around the family’s backyard have the Spiel all over it. Astonishing and flawless visuals, a fantastic score and strong, well-rounded human characters make this one of the best sci-fi, popcorn action films ever made. Let’s hope another 1980’s animated revival, the upcoming "G.I. Joe" fares are well.
Across the Universe My favorite film of the year is a romantic, marvelously inventive love story, full of visual tricks and treats that will make you a Beatles fan if you aren’t one already. Some clever set design and musical set pieces make this one of the finest musicals ever produced. The modern take on the Beatle classics, sung by a cast of talented unknowns, comes off better than it should. Watch for cameos by Joe Cocker, Salma Hyuck, Bono and comedian Eddie Izzard.